A View from the Front Line:
the Joys and Challenges of having parents who are (or are becoming) dependent on you
Continuing with our series of occasional meetings for different peer groups under the auspices of the LICC Imagine Project, we invited all Christ Church folk with parents who are (or are becoming) dependent on them to meet together on 13 November to share and discuss the joys and challenges involved. This is clearly a live issue for many: fourteen came to the meeting with a further ten or so sending their apologies. The 14 of us boasted 14 mothers and seven fathers (including in-laws) between us; two nonagenarians, 17 octogenarians and two whippersnapper of 79!
What are the joys of having parents who are (or are becoming) dependent on you?
"Are there any?" quipped one of our number with a particularly challenging parent! And, overall, the challenges (see below) did consume rather more meeting-minutes than the joys but several joys were highlighted. Some spoke of the pleasure of having their parent(s) live to such a great age and some described a new depth of friendship which had developed between them. One mentioned the fun that she and her family had teasing her elderly mother and how much said elderly mother appreciated the teasing! Another spoke of hilarious situations which sometimes arose as a consequence of misunderstandings due to her mother's increasing forgetfulness.
What are the challenges?
The detail, of course, varied between individuals but several themes kept coming up. One was the challenge of caring for parents who live some distance away. It was relatively easy to stay in touch by phone but if, for example, a parent needed help with shopping for a period when they were unwell, it might be difficult or impossible to help from a distance. Several of our number had brothers and / or sisters with whom to share responsibilities and this sometimes worked well but some felt "put upon" because they lived closest to their elderly parents while others felt guilty that they were not in a position to help as much as their siblings who lived nearer. Indeed, guilt at not doing (or not being able to do more) was mentioned by many - particularly, perhaps, those who had full-time jobs and / or still had children at home. Some mentioned the tension between the desire to do more to help and the need to be realistic and not initiate what they may not be able to sustain, so leading to disappointment for parents and frustration and guilt for us. It was also clear that some of our parents are not above the occasional exploitation of guilt to manipulate their offspring to their advantage!
Much discussion explored what it meant for a parent to be "independent". In practice, the transition from independence to dependence was not a neat, distinct, irreversible event! A parent might be fully independent in some aspects of living while needing significant support in others, and their position along the "dependence spectrum" might vary a great deal depending on their current health or how icy the weather was, for example. Where two parents lived together, the ability of one to cope might be critically dependent on the health of the other. In practice, it was clear that the ability of many of our parents to live independently of help from formal services rested on some level of support from their children and this was summed up memorably by one of our number who declared, "My mother is dependent on us for her independence"!
Another common theme was that of trying to respect the aspirations and preferences of elderly parents while also being realistic about what was practicable. Several mentioned situations in which their parent was neither able to cope nor willing to accept the help or life changes (like moving to sheltered accommodation or receiving home help) needed to reach a workable solution. One commented that her mother was so determined not to be a nuisance that this sometimes made more work than if she had just asked for the help she needed! One or two others mentioned that their parents were, actually, very good at receiving help.
Several mentioned the challenges of telephone calls with parents who either had a hearing loss, making meaningful conversation difficult, or whose memory was poor so that they recounted the same stories over and over again and kept asking questions which had already been answered. Some parents also used such phone calls for a general moan or rant about what ever frustrated them, which could be very draining. By contrast, others mentioned how much they appreciated the genuine interest shown in their children and grandchildren by some parents during regular phone calls.
It was both interesting and encouraging that the evening was "awash with empathy" from start to finish. Comments and observations from one person invariably attracted a chorus of agreement and support from others, prompting much sharing of ideas and suggestions for improving situations.
What will you be like to look after when you become dependent on your children?!
"Terrible, probably!" was the immediate response of one. A sentiment agreed with by others whose parents present them with particular challenges. Others pondered the question quietly, their thoughts hidden behind a non-committal smile. How interesting it would be to reconvene the group in 30 years time to re-examine the topic from the "other side"!
As ever, we conclude with a request to our preachers to consider in their preparations - and explain in their sermons - how the truths they are teaching might be "earthed" amid the considerable challenges experienced by those of us trying to be godly children to dependent parents.